Internal Affairs: I’m Really, Really Stuck
In the first half of 2010, I had a good run with my Orpheus film project, but then I got stuck. I got angry with myself, I cried, and I felt ashamed and like dirt because I stopped working on the film. After finishing two wonderful sets and several lovely puppets, I wasn’t able to work on the film any more, and I didn’t find out why. – At the same time I desperately wanted to move on with the production.
Which set up a lot of (internal) pressure: I want(ed) to
- create an inspiring and outstanding artwork in animation
- please my (future) audience
- earn a living from my craft
- proof my way of living as non-irrational and doable, and
- impress you, my reader, with constant updates on my progress.
That’s quite a lot. Instead, I didn’t do anything at all.
And I’m still a bit helpless. In addition, I had a lot of paid work over the last months which made it even worse. I had the feeling that I was spending most of my creative energy at my school job, and I’ve been so tired all the time. Those feelings only change slowly. But they do while I’m asking myself every day: “What do I really want? Do I really want this that way?”
I quit my job as a school art teacher, and will have my last day there at the beginning of February which makes me feel pretty relieved. I again decided to be nothing else than an artist, and to make a living, a business from my craft. I really don’t want to do anything else, but at the same time I’m full of doubts if this is possible. Then again, I simply know deep inside that art and animation is my thing.
I try to allow myself to feel weak and tired, and to rest if I need it. I try not to force myself into the creative process, but rather to appreciate it if I’m able to work on little things like drawings or design stuff. I’m trying to treat myself nicely, even though it’s sometimes difficult with my monsters or inner critics shouting at me like hell.
It’s difficult, and it hurts. It’s in my thoughts all the time. But still: there’s progress – tiny doses, almost invisible. I’m still angry about not working on the film, but I try to give it some more time until the anger will vanish, and I’ll finally start again. I’m glad that I can.
If you’d like to comment on this topic, please do it the kind way. I’d like to read your thoughts, about your experiences and how you deal with those issues as I described it here.