My blog and I have an identity crisis. Even though this isn't entirely true. My blog has, but I'm as much clear about what I want as possible.

I have nothing to say | 2012 | mixed media on paper | approx. 30 x 42 cm or 12 x 16.5 inches | 225 €

My dear blog has mostly been about animation and only about very few things next to that which are usually related to my animated works: destuckification, inspiration and I sharing my animation processes.

But with these three major topics I only covered a tiny part of my life.

Over the last six months a lot has changed.
First, I quit most of the jobs that brought some money in but are amazingly time-consuming as well. I didn't quit all, but I now work on my artworks most of the time and on my career in arts. I eventually became a full-time artist.

I learned that I'll probably never a professional animator in the animation industry, like Justin or Nick or Barry, and first I was angry and sad about the fact that my films never looked as smooth and perfect as their films do.

It took me some time to find out what I do want from my life.

But then I learned what my talents are, and my strengths, and now I'm totally fine with what I am: a storyteller in visual arts.

Art

At a party a few weeks ago somebody said to me:

"I wish I had something that I can so passionate about as you are when you're talking about art."

I love art and all its aspects. I love to look at artworks, to create them, to talk about art and to listen to people who love art as much as I do. Art makes me feel whole. When I'm working on my things, I feel alive and in the present. I love to inspire people in museums and workshops, and I love to see the look in their eyes when they feel what I feel.

Animation is only one manifestation of art, and it's one of my favorites.

But while I write these lines, I have a lot of projects going on, and only one of them is 100% dedicated to animation:

• My animated short, Ins Dunkel
  
• Drawings, so many drawings!
• An architectural sound project (that is animating as well)
  
• A temporary off-space gallery project
  
• Three exhibitions that are already settled for 2012, and
  
• A lot of things that exist as concepts only so far.
  

Back to the identity crisis:
I have the feeling that something has to change on my blog, since so much had changed in my life and I want to tell you about it.

Permission

For a loooong time I had been waiting for someone to give me the permission to be an artist who combines fine art media and animation, or to be an artist in general.

I have many old scarves concerning my creativity and my works, it took me several years to understand that I don't need anyone's permission to do whatever I want.

I don't want to wait until someone knocks at my door, and says, "Hey, you really are an awesome artist". – I go out myself.

I write to galleries a lot asking for exhibition opportunities, and from time to time somebody says yes. I apply for art grants and juried exhibitions, and often, but not always people say no. I work on my drawings and animations, and then I try everything again.

It's exhausting, and frustrating and rewarding at the same time. And I tell you what: I don't want to have it differently.

A Living

All of us need one. Right now I live from hand to mouth, but since I don't have children to care for that's okay. I do not need much financial security. But I really want to stay independent from time-consuming-jobs-that-are-not-my-favorites and that's why I opened an online gallery where you can buy original drawings that I made:

Think Trickfilm by Jessica Koppe at etsy.com

There will be more works available soon.
If you'd rather like to purchase a bigger or different piece, have a look at my portfolio and just write me an .

Changes

Next to all the animation-related things I'm going to show you all the other things that I'm working on. I'm going to share all my artistic processes here now, and to tell you regularly what's going on in my studio besides the animation projects. Don't worry, I'll keep you updated on those, too.

Even if you say you're an animator and nothing else, I just want to tell you that art is a huge source of inspiration, and most of its principles apply in animation as well.

– I hope you'll stay with me. I'm glad you're here!

Lots of love and support for your work,
– Jessica ♥

Once a week I write about what I have done the last seven days. It's much harder to write about my week when I have the feeling that I really have achieved nothing.

(Which is never true. This week I was very brave and called a gallery because they said earlier that they were interested in showing some of my works in an exhibition next year. And hooray! They took me in!)

This week I mainly did paid work. I didn't animate a single frame for my Orpheus film project, and I was angry and sad about the delay. I learned that time is my real currency, that time is the most precious thing I have.

I have to compromise a lot: do I want to make art and have the best time of my life all day, or do I want to make a living and have something else to eat besides pasta with tomato sauce? I often have to decide on how I want to spend the time I have.

And after a studio visit and a long talk to my neighbor Rosita who is an artist as well, I've seen some details more clearly. As a matter of fact, there is no such thing like security when you go for a life as an artist. It is a difficult way of life, but I don't want to have in a different way.

Art and creativity are the most important things in my life. That's why I decided to replace my daily routine a bit. I don't read e-mails first in the morning any more, and I stopped reading news sites all day. My day starts with a cup of coffee, and then in the studio before I do anything else.

I play with colors, I paint, I draw, I write, I experiment. I collect sketches and drawings for at least 30 Minutes each day. And that collection of ideas help me to keep my creative juices running. And that's great since it reminds daily me that art is my favorite activity in life. Yesterday it went so well that I started screen printing right after my animation workshop in the morning. I printed until I had no more paper left and it was just great.

Everything is much better now. There are four days of intense work for others/money ahead, but I'll have two and a half day reserved for animation next week. And then I'm off for a week in Italy. Perhaps I just need a holiday.

Lots of love to everyone who struggles as well!
– Jessica

Daily Drawing #110220: „What are you waiting for?“
– drawn with Harmony

Last week I wrote a post about Ten Reasons Why I Struggle Finishing My Personal Projects. In fact, I struggle very often. But I also want to share what motivates me to keep on working on my personal art or animation project, even though I’m struggling.

And event though I often struggle, I am able to finish personal projects once or twice in a while. That’s why I share 10 Reasons why finishing personal projects simply rocks with you today:

1. Satisfaction

It is satisfying to finish any kind of project. Finishing the work, spreading the word and cleaning up the space after all is soo satisfying that it is almost impossible to describe. – You have to feel it. (Well, then go and finish something!)

2. It’s a relief

Last year I published an e-book titled A Brief Guide to Make a Semi-Professional Stop-Motion Animation Puppet that took me about a year from the very first idea to the moment I hit the publish button. Especially if it’s an older project on which I’ve been working, the relief will weigh as much as the satisfaction.

3. Pride

Yes, I am allowed to feel proud of myself, not in a peacocky manner but with a healthy attitude towards the thing I had accomplished. These three are a nice bundle of great feelings with that one’s rewarded after finishing a personal project. (And yes: the bigger the project, the bigger are the rewards for its completion.)

4. It’s therapy

Finishing a project means that I solved several problems. The more problems I solve, the less I fear problems at all. With every finished project my confidence grows, and I get more and more comfortable in a new or even bigger situation. Things start to change, and all the fears become smaller.

5. It’s both, education and training

When I finished a project, I have always learned something new. It’s all about synapses, baby! They build new connections, and at some point knowledge becomes experience. – That’s simply awesome!

6. It’s progress

The more projects I finish, the more visible becomes my progress, even to myself. I’m big fan of progress, and I don’t like stagnation so much. When I finish a personal project, I not only see it as a single step but as the whole distance I’ve walked.

7. There will be room for something new

After some recovery time (some people call it a black hole) I have the chance to work on something completely different. New ideas emerge. I like my work and I have so many ideas that I sometimes don’t know how to bring them all to life. But if I take one step (or project) after another, I’m way more focussed and the results of my work are much better.

8. For a small amount of time I am in the present

Often I think about what happened yesterday, and what I’ll have to do tomorrow. But the moment a project comes to an end, I am definitely in the present . I feel grounded and everything is perfect in that very moment. Time then simply doesn’t matter. Which is nice: no past, no regrets; no future, no fears. – It’s a shame that this moment always lasts so short…

9. The possibility to share the results

This one is optional. But personally, I like sharing. Sharing as in getting in touch with people and learn something new. Any constructive feedback is great, and since I don’t like stagnation I need feedback to develop. And communication! I love to communicate with other people, so sharing is a must and fun for me!

10. It’s highly addictive

If I really had a good run, I’ll get the whole package (from #1. to 9.). This is better than any drug I’ve ever heard of. It makes me feel whole. I truly believe that we’re creative folks who love to do creative work. I’m not talking about jobs. – Jobs bring the money in, but work is something different. A lot of people hate their job, but do love to work on something they really enjoy to work on, no matter what it is.

Daily Drawing #110221 – drawn with Harmony

It doesn’t matter how big or small the personal projects are. It’s important to do them, and to finish them once in a while. Not every project must be finished. If you struggle with your personal projects, it sometimes helps to remind yourself of how great it is to finish a project. Sometimes the rewards are more motivating than anything else.

What are your experiences?

Daily Drawing #110215 – drawn with Harmony

If you're a regular visitor on this blog, you'd probably have noticed that I have some issues to finish my personal projects as easy as I finish paid ones. If someone pays me I'll do a perfect job in time, and that's not an understatement. Because then it's a job. I'm really, really good in doing a good job and meeting deadlines.

Recently I quit my job as a school teacher. I wanted to be a full-time artist again because that's what I've always wanted. But even though I have time and space now it's difficult for me to work on my own projects. And I want to find out why this is so.

So here's my list of ten reasons why I struggle to finish my personal projects:

1. They're not real jobs

A person very close to me cheered as I told her that I was going to work as an art teacher a few months ago: "Well, then you finally have a real job!" – Ouch, that hurt! A real job brings some money in, and my art and animation projects didn't do so very much, so they can't be real jobs.

2. I'm a scaredy cat

I'm afraid of so many things. And sometimes this fear keeps me from doing things. This is a hard one.

3. Only 2% of all fine artists in Germany earn enough for a living from their artistic work

One of my professors in art school shared this statistical fact at every available opportunity. I don't know his motivation to do so, but for a long period I thought it won't be possible to join this 2%. Which causes fear (see 2.).

4. Others are better than me – always.

This is as bad as being rejected. No, worse: "Hey, we like your stuff, but the stuff this guy over there does is much more interesting... Perhaps next time?"

5. What if someone simply doesn't like it?

I don't like to be rejected. To prevent myself from being rejected, I just don't do anything. If nothing's finished, nothing can be rejected. Sounds logical, doesn't it?

6. I don't know if it's really art

Visualize an art exhibition. You probably have some idea about how artworks look like. Mine always look different. They just don't look like art. It's my impression that I don't fit into existing categories. Am I so progressive? I can't believe that. I simply don't understand what turns a thing into an artwork.

7. I'm interested in so many things

I don't want to miss a thing. Every time I read a book, watch a movie, do a walk I found a huge amount of inspiration. I generate ideas with every breath I take. And every time I have an idea, a little mean voice in my head asks: "Should you really try it? I mean, in fact, the idea is not too cool, and probably somebody else already did this better than you ever could. And: it doesn't look like art..."

8. What if people find out that I'm not especially cool or creative but an ordinary human-being?

I'm always afraid that people may find out that I'm some kind of sham, some one only pretending being an artist. That's why I spend so much time learning things to become an artist, but seldom turn them into products or works (as a real artist would do).

9. It's much easier to implement ideas for other people or to encourage them to work on their own stuff instead of working on mine (also known as paid work)

For me it's always easier to care about others and their needs than caring for myself. We all have our stuff, and this is part of mine.

10. A day has only 24 hours

I sleep approximately 7-8 hours. I do paid work for half the day awake. I'm recovering from driving and working with other people and/or kids for one hour (this often includes a nap). I struggle for two hours with all the issues mentioned before. And then I get something little done, something like a small test animation or so. Then I repeat step 1 to 9.

Why I share this? Because I'm learning. I learn these things about me and things start to change. And I see a lot of people with the same issues. Perhaps you can learn from my experiences, too. These issues are part of my life as an animator/artist, and since I'm writing about this life here, it's worth mentioning it. You're not alone.

If you want to share your experiences, I'll appreciate that: feel free to leave a comment!

Next week: 10 Reasons Why Finishing Personal Projects Simply Rocks

Drawing "Companions", sketched with Harmony drawing tool

My dear friend Shelley had that great idea that I'm going to steel and modify: every Friday she invites creative people she met into her studio to join her working on her Halfland project. Which is awesomely inspiring! (I mean both, the project itself and having creative people of all kind around supporting what she does.)

For the last months I was so stuck into paid work that I hadn't the energy to work on my Orpheus film project at all which first made me feel angry, and then very sad. I was thinking a lot about ways to move on with the film in a gentle and guilt-free manner.

My major problem is feeling guilty for not working on the film. I guess whenever a person uses the words procrastination, she feels guilty because she does something else than she was supposed to do. Take me as an example: Whatever I do, I feel guilty because I don't work on the film (even if I work on something creative though). For whatever reason there is a voice in my head that asks reproachfully, "Shouldn't you be working on your film? Perhaps you're not an animation artist at all..." And I kept thinking that procrastinating is bad.

During the last months things has changed. I don't think that procrastination is bad anymore. – I now don't use the word at all. I'll only tell what I actually do, and not what I didn't.

The point is, I really want to finish the film (ideally this year), but I want to do it my way. And I want to find a way to make this possible. First I need time and energy to work in the studio, so I quit a few jobs and commitments, and that was an awesome first step. Second I need some kind of framework.

And so I picked one day of the week as my special Orpheus day. A whole day that is dedicated to film making and animation. From March 7, 2011 on I'll have Studio Mondays.

Studio Monday

From then on I'll open my art and animation studios every Monday from 10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. for you to join me on my creative adventures. That means you can come in and simply watch my progress, that you could help if you want, or that you you can bring in your own project (whatever it is) if you need some creative companionship, too.

It's free, and I'll even share my materials, resources and knowledge with you. (That also means that I don't have any excuse to leave the studio at all, because you may come around.)

My studio's address is Kaanstr. 7, 32457 Porta Westfalica. (Ask google Maps for help). In case you have a longer distance to travel, I recommend to call in first: +49 (0) 571 38 76 781. – I'm looking forward to see you!

It doesn't matter how tired I am: I simply love to teach. For me, teaching means encouraging people to find their own voice in whatever artistic medium they choose. Interestingly, and to my great joy this works quite well with most of my students.

Yesterday I was wondering why I'm able to encourage my students, and how they always let me encourage them, but at the same time I'm not following my own teachings myself. My students trust me as a teacher, and they really want to learn something about making art. Even though I graduated in 2009, I'm still a student somehow: I'm still (and probably will always be) learning about art and animation.

I've been struggling with my stuckness for weeks, but yesterday I had an Eureka! moment in which I started to talk to myself like I'd talk to my students if they need help during my classes. I asked myself, if it's working for my students, why shouldn't it work for me as well? (And yes, I am talking to myself, constantly. You definitely should try that, but make sure that you're the only person listening...)

Talking To Teacher Me

"Need help?"

The internal dialogue was like this:

Me: Hey Teacher Me, can I ask you a question or two?

Teacher Me: Of course, what's the problem?

Me: I have this idea of how my piece should look like, and I really don't know how to turn this into reality, I'm afraid that I won't be able to design the puppets and the remaining sets as I have them in my head. And I'm totally afraid that my piece of art (aka the Orpheus film project) isn't going to be gorgeous and nobody would come and watch is.

TM: The first one is a technical problem, isn't it? Do you need more research about the materials you use?

Me: Yeah, I think so. I like the idea of puppets made of paper, but I do favor to animate a puppet made of cold foam. But I have no idea how I achieve that the cold foam looks like paper.

TM: What if you do a test run with a small amount of these materials first? Remember when we draw something, and you aren't sure how it's going to look like. You test it on a piece of scrap paper first, and if it works you'l place it into your main drawing.

Me: So you mean doing some kind of rough sketch with the materials?

TM: Exactly! And if it doesn't work you could ask the kind folks at stopmotionanimation.com for help as well.

Me: Sounds good to me! Working with foam puppets would be great, and I'm now having some more ideas of how to solve the cold foam looking like paper problem. I could cover the original model with a thin layer of paper before I cast the mold from it. If I use plasticine for the model, the final puppet cast will appear a bit like plasticine. Perhaps this is also going to work for a paper surface... Thank you!

TM: And what about your fear that it may not be good or interesting at all? Is it getting better?

Me: A little bit. But I still feel this certain pressure in my belly... Somehow I think I need more time to work on my film – not in the long run but right now.

TM: Yes, I totally understand you! You work as hard as you can at the moment, and there's a lot of other stuff in your life going on. You're absolutely allowed not to work on your film during the next week. After Christmas, you'll have two free weeks, and up to that time you simply move on with what you already do: decluttering your (work) spaces, cleaning up, and being good to yourself as in curing your sleep deprivation by resting and napping a lot. What do you think?

Me: That sounds lovely. Thank you!

You'll get the idea.
Why I am telling you this wacky-me stuff? Because dialogues like the one above help me solving my problems. I often struggle, and sometimes it's so hard to move on with what I love to do, even though (or just because?) I love it so much. Hopefully this may help you as well if you suffer from the same issues, hopefully you'll learn from my experiences...

In the first half of 2010, I had a good run with my Orpheus film project, but then I got stuck. I got angry with myself, I cried, and I felt ashamed and like dirt because I stopped working on the film. After finishing two wonderful sets and several lovely puppets, I wasn't able to work on the film any more, and I didn't find out why. – At the same time I desperately wanted to move on with the production.

Which set up a lot of (internal) pressure: I want(ed) to

• create an inspiring and outstanding artwork in animation
• please my (future) audience
• earn a living from my craft
• proof my way of living as non-irrational and doable, and
• impress you, my reader, with constant updates on my progress.

That's quite a lot. Instead, I didn't do anything at all.

And I'm still a bit helpless. In addition, I had a lot of paid work over the last months which made it even worse. I had the feeling that I was spending most of my creative energy at my school job, and I've been so tired all the time. Those feelings only change slowly. But they do while I'm asking myself every day: "What do I really want? Do I really want this that way?"

I quit my job as a school art teacher, and will have my last day there at the beginning of February which makes me feel pretty relieved. I again decided to be nothing else than an artist, and to make a living, a business from my craft. I really don't want to do anything else, but at the same time I'm full of doubts if this is possible. Then again, I simply know deep inside that art and animation is my thing.

I try to allow myself to feel weak and tired, and to rest if I need it. I try not to force myself into the creative process, but rather to appreciate it if I'm able to work on little things like drawings or design stuff. I'm trying to treat myself nicely, even though it's sometimes difficult with my monsters or inner critics shouting at me like hell.

It's difficult, and it hurts. It's in my thoughts all the time. But still: there's progress – tiny doses, almost invisible. I'm still angry about not working on the film, but I try to give it some more time until the anger will vanish, and I'll finally start again. I'm glad that I can.